Staring at this computer screen I want to throw it across the room. The cursor blinking at me, accusingly, while writer’s block has me mentally paralyzed. Images flicker. Characters show glimpses of themselves but not enough to flesh out anything solid. It’s like they are taunting me. Laughing at my ability to capture them on paper.
I walk away from my laptop in frustration and turn on the television. Mindlessly flipping through channels, I stop at a home improvement show. One of those home fix and flip shows. At the first commercial break I shut the television off in irritation. Why can’t I write? What is blocking me from grabbing this story and putting it on paper?
Sitting back at my laptop, I stare again at the blinking cursor. Snatches of the argument I had earlier that morning surface in my mind. Defending my choices in life is tiring. Realizing that the time, money, effort and dedication I invested into my current relationship has not yielded the results that were advertised has left a bitter emotional residue. I’ve seen many quotes on Pinterest about life, one in particular, that if you don’t fail then you haven’t tried.
I get it. You have to fail a few times in order to get it right. I get it. I don’t like it. Relationships are not supposed to be a constant battle. Describing characters on a page should not be a battle either. Don’t they want their stories told? Glimpses. Flashes. But nothing concrete. Irritation. Anger. Frustration. Feelings of throwing out any idea of writing and turning to something, anything mundane but regular. But I know I won’t survive the mundane. I suffocate with monotonous routines. I hate feeling like I’m suffocating. I guess this is my caterpillar phase of life. My chrysalis is forming and I feel like I am suffocating under the current circumstances.
And my cursor continues to blink at me. Another glimpse of character. A whisper. This time a name: Virginia Slim. Who is Virginia Slim? What does Virginia Slim want? Where is Virginia Slim? When is Virginia Slim? Why the name Virginia Slim? Another glimpse. Sophistication. Business attire. Heels. Brown skin. So I know Virginia Slim is a woman. A business woman. A woman of color.
Okay, now we have something. Who is she? Where is she from? What does she want? What is her occupation? What are her goals? What is her motivation? I know her story will have some bumps in it because she is a woman of color. Who are her parents? What do they do for a living? What stories do they have to tell? Does she have siblings? Does she have close friends? Does she have any pets? Significant other(s)?
If she can show herself to me more solidly I can flesh out her story. Just from this it feels like an interesting one. Maybe NaNoWriMo will be up my alley this year after all. Stay tuned for updates on Virginia Slim. My cursor is still blinking but it’s not accusing me (much) any longer…