Another Solar Return

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Today, I am grateful. Blessed to see another solar return and on the heels of a powerful full moon no less. A celebration of my birth, thank you mom for delivering me into the world 💜. For many years my birthday was a time of excitement, anxiety and depression all mixed together because I yearned for acknowledgement from my father that I would never receive. Friends, family and loved ones wished me well, but my attention (even when I desperately tried not to) was focused on my father’s lack of attention.

Acknowledging that feeling I harbored used to encourage anger, sadness and shame. It took many years of deep reflection (meaning I was still running from myself, lol) to recognize why I still held onto the pain. As much as I hated to admit it, it was easier to hold onto the hurt, anger and pain than it was to let it go.

That thought was my *aha!* moment. It was easier to hold on and stay stuck, than to let go and be free. I still love my father, and always will. But my father has chosen not to get to know me as a person. Not like I’d hoped. It is an opportunity lost to him – not me. I do not say this out of malice. I have finally moved beyond that. I no longer hold onto the entrapment of my perception that without his acknowledgement I cannot grow or be loved or be deemed valuable. I have already proven myself wrong on that – and gladly so!

My solar return is a celebration of my growth and my acceptance of me – as I am as well as a challenge for me to achieve who I strive to become. I am ready to conquer my next round of growth. Happy birthday to me! 👑💖

♒Aquarian♒

Dear Why Yet…

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First, I have to apologize to you. I have exposed us to years of unnecessary heartache and pain through allowing your innocent vulnerabilities to be taken advantage of. You are a loving and powerful woman. I did not trust you enough to allow you to spread your wings and grow. My fears kept you bound to those who could not give you what you needed and deserved to fly.

My fears kept me from believing there was anything better for you out in the world. You deserve the world. Your smile cheers up those you share it with and you share freely even when you are crumbling inside and I appreciate that. I love you for that.

You put others before yourself when they are in need. You give even when you are in need. You are fiercely loyal to those you love, even when they hurt you deeply. And when you want to retreat and heal I have interfered, and for that I am sorry. When you needed to sever ties and heal your heart I interfered and for that I am sorry.

Even in pain you still emit a celestial beauty through your writings. Everytime I read your poetry I feel your memories and cry your tears. Thank you for sharing your words, not only with me but with the rest of the world.

Continue to shine your brightest light because I need it. I thank you for being the woman you are.

Love,

Why Yet

A Mother’s Job…

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01-11-23-280__180Well, I have been fighting back tears all day today. Happy tears. Tears of joy and acceptance. My little girl is on the road to growing up and growing independent of me. She has started preschool today. Gone are the innocent days of her looking solely to me for her answers. Newly arrived are the days of testing the rules and challenging her limits (more than she already does).

I dropped my daughter off to school this morning half hoping for, but not really, some resemblance of her yehudi first day of preschool1wanting to miss me. Not a screaming fit or anything like that but just some sign that she would miss me during the time that she would be at school. I received a good bye hug and kiss and off she ran to play with her new school mates. Not a glance back was had. Not a ‘mommy don’t go’ like some of the other kids. In a way I guess that means I have raised her to be independent so far and that’s good – right? Could it mean that she couldn’t wait to get away from me and school is a welcomed reprieve? A mother wonders sometimes.

I believe she is courageously independent and well adjusted for a three year old. More wise than her years and in her wisdom, did not cry when I arrived to pick her up this afternoon. She was excited to return home and when I asked about her day she told of some of her adventures with excitement in her eyes and laughter in her voice. She yehudi finished first day of preschoolrecalled that she had meatloaf for lunch and a banana with her breakfast! She told me that a little boy took a red ball from her and the teacher said to him, “Give Yehudi back that red ball!”

Yehudi is asleep now. She is eager to wake up and go back to her school so she can play with her friends some more. She is excited to sing the alphabet song with her peers and to recite the story time rules we have here at home:

  • rule #1 – sit down quietly
  •  rule #2 – put your hands in your lap
  •  rule #3 – listen and enjoy the story

How can you not enjoy story time with easy to remember rules like those? Then on twitter this afternoon I found this inspirational quote to cheer me up. inspirational quotes about daughtersWell, it’s time for me to pick out her school clothes for tomorrow and begin to plan toddler activities for Chava for this school year. He’s one now but he’ll be three and headed to preschool before I can blink!

Just Finished My Advanced Reader Copy of Girl’s Night In

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Girl’s Night In is a short story collection from CeeCee and friends of the Cougarette series by Eliza David.

Grateful for any opportunity to read a good book, I leapt on the chance to be a reviewer before the book’s release date of August 28th. All I can say is make sure the kids are asleep, your glass (or bottle) of preferred beverage is chilled to your liking and you have a relief plan on standby. You’ll know what I mean when you read the book.

You can pre-order Girl’s Night In on amazon.com. I can’t wait to get my hands on the rest of the series!

Excerpt from Ego Trippin’

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public-domain-images-free-stock-photos-apple-iphone-iphone-6-1000x667A few days later Nathan met up with Mark at the Red Roof Inn on Roosevelt Boulevard. Mark was sitting in his Black Acura MDX listening to All Eyez on Me by Tupac when Nathan tapped three times on the tinted window. “Aye man what‘s good,” Nathan smirked.
“Come on man, let’s go relax. My girl Diamond is in there and she brought out all of her best girls.”
“Is Ruff Ryder in there?”
“You know it. I told you, Diamond brought all of her best girls. You need to relax after what you‘ve been through. We‘re in room 313.”
“Then let’s go.” Nathan stepped back from the car so Mark could get out and they began walking towards the hotel.

Mark called Diamond after he left Nathan’s house three days ago. He was positive that Nathan was the cause of all of Lydia’s ‘accidents’ and miscarriages. Just like with Georgia. Nathan didn’t know that Mark bought the plane ticket for Georgia and her son to leave and gave her money to start her life over in California. He knew Nathan was insecure about getting older but not to the point of targeting young girls so he can manipulate and viciously abuse them. After explaining what he saw at Nathan’s house with Lydia, and telling about Nathan’s treatment of Georgia, Diamond was all too eager to get even.

5

Nathan walked into room 313 and smiled when he saw the variety of women waiting. In the far corner of the room on a chaise lounge, sat a slender Thai woman dressed in a pale pink, sheer baby doll trimmed in fur. Her tight nipples were visible from where he stood at the door. She smiled at him and gave him a thai bow. Sitting next to her was a curvy Puerto Rican mami, with fiery red hair and a Caribbean blue thong on with matching bra and boots. A set of twins, Russian, were teasing each other on the floor wearing matching white leather one pieces. Sitting on the floor in front of a desk near the window was an olive colored Italian beauty. Large, almond shaped eyes and dark hair accented full breasts cloaked in an emerald green velvet gown. A black velvet choker with a chain attached drew the attention from her eyes to her full breasts. The chain led up to a leather handle held by a deep chocolate woman with curves like Nikki Minaj and Kim Kardashian who sat on top of the desk dressed in a black leather cat suit and boots, watching everything.

“That bitch must be Diamond. Sitting there like she run shit. Hmph. She better watch her step. I’m no body’s punk bitch,” Nathan thought as he eyed her up and down.
“You must be Nathan.” Diamond extended her hand as she rose up from the desk and stepped towards him. Nathan looked her in the eye, “Yeah.” Pulling her hand back she smiled and waved her hand at her ladies, “These are my ’diamonds’. I have cultivated each of them to be skilled in pleasure, be it their own or someone else’s. I understand you are a fan of Ruff Ryder. She is unable to be with us today but I am sure the rest of my ladies can thoroughly entertain you in her absence.” Nathan began smiling, “This bitch think she slick. She fucking with the right one. She mess around and I’ll have her bent the fuck over, fucking her in the ass to let her know I’ll fuck her up.”

Diamond recognized an egotistical, bitch-ass man when she saw one. It had only been fifteen years since she got up the courage to dispose of her own after living in a tortured hell for ten years. Her elite ‘diamonds’ were very skilled at entertaining customers such as Nathan…

My Interview with Lisa Sparrow and How Mental Illness Affects All of Us

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sunnyclouds

Lisa Sparrow is an inspirational woman. She sat with me for an hour on my blogtalk radio show, On Why Yet’s Watch, and was completely open about her daily battle with mental illness. That in itself is bravery in my book. Mental illness is such a touchy topic to speak on because growing up we (as a society) were taught to only speak of such things in the house – especially when it pertained to a relative or close loved one. Lisa shared her story with our listeners and I am truly grateful.

Depression is the most common form of mental illness that people are familiar with. There is NO one single cause of depression. There can be a combination of causes that can trigger depression:

  • Trauma – a serious trauma that occurs early in life can change our brain’s response mechanism.
  • Genetics – mood disorders and risk of suicide tend to run in families but anyone with a genetic tendency would be more likely to show signs of depression at an early age
  • Life Circumstances – marital status, financial standing, where you live could all influence or trigger depression
  • Brain Structure – depression is associated with changing how your brain responds to hormone stimulation
  • Drug and Alcohol Abuse – 30% of people with substance abuse problems also have depression

16 million Americans had a least one major depressive episode last year, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Women are 70% more likely than men to experience depression. Young adults aged 18-25 are 60% more likely to experience depression than people aged 50 and over. Unfortunately, Blacks and Latinos are more likely to be misdiagnosed.

There are many forms of treatment:

  • Medications
  • Psychotherapy
  • Brain Stimulation Therapies
  • Light Therapy
  • Exercise
  • Alternative Therapies
  • Self Management Strategies and Education
  • Mind/Body/Spirit approaches

Should you or someone you know suffer from depression or believe you do, seek help. There is strength in asking for help because we all need help at one time or another. For more information about depression and some of the causes of depression check out the following websites:

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)

Joyful Heart Foundation

To listen to the interview with Lisa Y Sparrow, listen to On Why Yets Watch with Author Lisa Y Sparrow

There is nothing to be ashamed of when dealing with ourselves or a loved one who battles mental illness.

Stay blessed.

My Baby Girl Turned 3!

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Good morning. *Yawn, stretch, rubs tired eyes* Yesterday my baby girl turned three years old! Her nanna had bought her a pretty pink princess dress with matching princess shoes and she had been waiting patiently (or as patiently as a two year old can) for two months to wear them. “You have to wait until your birthday comes to wear your princess dress,” I had to remind her – at least once a week. Yesterday was the day. She woke up ready. Came downstairs, ate her breakfast and once she finished she dashed back upstairs to put on her princess dress. Princess Yehudi proceeded to enjoy the rest of her birthday in style…

Three years is a long time. And Yehudi has grown – a lot. I didn’t realize how fast she was beginning to develop her own personality so fast. I should have took notes when I was pregnant with her because she had her own mind, even then. In the womb she was bossy. Dictated what I would eat and when. Dominated my sleep patterns and positions. Physically assaulted my ribs from the inside, hahaha. I can laugh now but I wasn’t laughing then. We didn’t want to know her gender until she was born so everyone tried guessing based on the shape and positioning of my stomach. Even strangers waiting at red lights stopped to yell across the street and predict what gender baby I was carrying. She had fun tricking people. She even dictated my delivery.

When I went into labor it was normal for my fifth child. Contractions began speeding up in frequency and intensity while my body aches increased dramatically. By the time we arrived at the hospital I had enough strength to walk in and sit down in the first wheelchair that was within reach. Anticipating the cooling relief of an epidural my daughter played one her final jokes before arriving. While lying on the labor room bed and waiting for my epidural this little lady decides to karate kick my water bag AND dilate my cervix to the full 10 centimeters! Yup, no epidural for me. Then she practically delivered herself because she wasn’t waiting for anybody. Luckily the nurses were there to “catch” her as she, for her final joke before birth, showed me what the ring of fire really meant. Heh, Heh. Again, I can laugh now but I wasn’t laughing then.

She is definitely her own person. And that makes me smile sometimes. Other times it causes mounds of frustration because she doesn’t want to do what she has to do or what she is told to do. I see her laughing and blazing her own trails as a beautiful young woman and I pray I have the fortitude to allow her the flexibility to do so.

Can’t Love What I Don’t Trust by Khara Campbell

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Can’t Love What I Don’t Trust is a new urban romance novel by author Khara Campbell that was released by Mahogany Red Books. I am a lover of romance stories even when a part of me wants to run from them screaming (only because I have yet to discover my happily ever after).

But, I digress. Tonight on my radio show, On Why Yet’s Watch with Khara Campbell, I get to sit down with Khara Campbell and find out what makes her characters tick. I have been interviewing authors and artists for a couple of months now and I am discovering that I love it. The stereotype is that artists and published authors are unapproachable and I am finding them to be regular people, just like you and me. They have real life problems just like we do. We’re all human. Even the fictional characters in these novels.

That is what caught my attention with this novel. How can you love someone you don’t trust? You can’t, plain and simple. So many people want to convince others of how loving they are and fling accusations about like paint on a toddler easel. You may have guessed I have a bit of experience with this here.

A former significant other of mine constantly accused me of cheating on him. All the while professing how much he ‘loved’ me. Needless to say that gets tiring quickly, and before I change who I am to satisfy his accusations I will leave. Well, his accusations (unjustified I might add) continued and I said ‘sayonara!’.

cantlovewhatidonttrustThat is what Cassandra is dealing with in the story. Undependable and not-yet-ready-for-committment type guys that we have seen or dealt with ourselves at one time or another. Here’s a brief synopsis from the author herself:

Cassandra had been in love before and if you asked her, love was pain; every day she was reminded of that with the hand she was currently dealt. She struggles to provide for the kids, working a dead-end job while going to school. Stuck in a meaningless relationship, which only involved midnight creeps into her bed, she ends things with Darius in hopes for something better in life. 
Just when Cassandra isn’t looking for anything or anyone, that’s when Marco comes along; he’s handsome, a great father to his son, and a business owner. Marco’s had his share of women and often juggled relationships, but upon meeting Cassandra, his desire is kindled and he has to fight against wanting anything more than just a casual thing. With each day, they both fight the obvious; they want each other. A night of forbidden passion leads them into bed together; they soon wind up going back and forth, as Cassandra begins to date Damian to distract her from the one she really wants–Marco.

To hear more about Cassandra, Darius, Damian and Marco you’ll have to tune in to On Why Yet’s Watch tonight at 9:00 pm EST by calling in to 646-716-5330.  We always have fun. Listen to Why Yet? Why not?!

Ego Trippin’ Part 3

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Thunder rumbled, rattling the kitchen windows as Lydia sat on her knees frantically scrubbing blood off of the vinyl flooring. With each crack of thunder Lydia’s hand gripped the sponge tighter until her knuckles began to turn white. The rhythmic tink, tink of the raindrops hitting the awning over top of the kitchen window was comforting. Lydia began thinking about what the nurses said to her when Nathan went to the cafeteria for a sandwich.

“Mrs. Williams, do you remember what happened to you?”
“Not really. I came into the kitchen and a strange man was there. Before I could call out for help I was knocked to the floor. I hit something on the way down and blacked out.”
Scribbling on a clip board the nurse looked Lydia in the eye. “You’re lucky to be alive. The trauma to your head could have been more severe. There was a 4 inch gash on the side of your head. We stitched you up but a vessel in your right eye ruptured and the force of the blow to your stomach ruptured your uterus which is why you miscarried. I am sorry to tell you this Mrs. Williams but we were unable to repair the damage. You will not be able to have any more children…”

“Wait… my uterus… no more children?” Lydia’s vision blurred as the tears absorbed into the patch on her eye. Instinctively her right hand went to her belly to massage her baby and she flinched in pain.

“We had to perform an emergency hysterectomy. You have 13 staples in your abdomen. In about two weeks you can come back in and have them removed. In the meantime you rest. No lifting more than 5 pounds. No standing for long periods of time. No strenuous activities. No sexual intercourse for eight weeks because of the trauma to your abdomen. You may…” Lydia zoned out as the nurse rattled off her discharge instructions. A soft knock, knock at the kitchen door jolted Lydia out of her thoughts. It was Nathan’s friend Mark. Favoring her right side, Lydia grabbed the handle on the cabinet door and pulled herself up onto her feet and opened the door.

“Damn. Nathan told me what happened. I’m sorry about the baby.” Mark said as he inched into the kitchen. He handed Lydia a bouquet of daisies to cheer her up. “If you recall anything about the cat who did this to you let Nathan know and we’ll go handle that right now.” Lydia averted her eyes as she felt her cheeks flush. Mark had always been nice to her. He didn’t know how Nathan treated her. Nobody did.
“Thank you Mark. The flowers are lovely. Let me put them in water and tell Nathan you’re here.” Walking gingerly to avoid the poking of the staples in her stomach, Lydia half-slid, half-tiptoed to the kitchen sink to grab a vase for the flowers. That’s when she saw the blood on the edge of the counter.

Nathan walked into the kitchen just then and stopped in his tracks when he saw Mark standing in his house. He looked from Lydia to Mark, sizing up the situation. He noticed the flowers Lydia had placed in the vase. Um, hm. Looking at Mark, he smiled but the smile didn’t touch the rest of his face.

Ego Trippin’ Part 1

Ego Trippin’ Part 2

Ego Trippin’ Part 2

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“Oh baby, come on baby. Don’t leave me. You can’t leave me. I love you. I don’t know what I would do without you babe, come on, please.” Nathan pleaded, his head on Lydia’s chest, listening to the slow rhythm of her heart. Wiping tears from his face, he turned to the nurse. “I feel responsible for this. I should have never left her in that house unprotected. I just ran to my car in the garage for my cell phone. I didn’t even notice the window was ajar until it was too late.” Sniffling, he wiped away some more tears with the bottom of his t-shirt.

The nurse was heartbroken. “Mr. Williams, we’re doing everything we can for Lydia. I am so sorry about the baby. There was nothing we could do. Lydia was hemorrhaging from the force of the blow to her stomach.” Nathan released a fresh stream of tears and threw himself across Lydia’s body. “I’m so sorry baby. I should have been there to protect you and our little girl. Now she’s gone. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” The nurse, fighting back tears herself, quietly left the room and closed the door.

Hearing the soft hiss of the door closing, Nathan leaned towards Lydia’s ear. “Bitch, when you wake up you do what the FUCK I tell you to do. You fuck around again and it’ll be you down in the motherfucking morgue! Now wake the fuck up so we can go home. You got some shit to clean up.” Nathan hissed at Lydia’s unresponsive body. As to acknowledge his request the blood pressure monitor began to beep.

Several nurses came into the room and began checking Lydia’s pupils for dilation and checking her pulse. Nathan stepped away from the hospital bed and looked out of the window, trying to appear hopeful. Just as one nurse was changing out Lydia’s IV bag she felt a hand touch her. Lydia opened her eyes just a little bit and the nurse sighed. “Oh, Mrs. Williams. Oh I am so glad to see you awake. You gave us such a scare. No, no, no. Don’t move. Just lay still. Your husband is here. He never left your side.” The nurse smiled as she stated that last part. Lydia followed the nurse’s gaze over to her ’husband’ and felt a chill course through her.

“My baby. Girl. Is my Baby girl alright?” Lydia asked weakly. Before the nurses could respond, Nathan swiftly moved next to her bed. “We lost her. Our baby girl is gone. I’m so sorry. I should have been there to protect you both. Please forgive me.” He cried onto Lydia’s shoulder ensuring the nurses would hear his plea for forgiveness. The nurses, feeling saddened by the loss of the unborn baby, finished checking Lydia and left the room.

“Are the nurses gone?” Nathan hissed. “Yes”, Lydia responded. “Good. Now if the cops come asking you better tell them exactly what I say. A man broke into the house when I went to the garage to get my cell phone out of the car. When he saw you in the kitchen he punched and kicked you until you blacked out. You understand me?” “Yes”, Lydia whispered as she nodded her head slowly. “You know I love you. I don’t know why you always want to do things to piss me off. I promise that when I get you home things are going to be different. I love you and I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost you. Don’t ever leave me baby, okay?” Lydia heard these lies before so she just nodded her head to assure him of her cooperation.

A tear slid down her cheek as she silently said a prayer for her baby girl. This was the third miscarriage in four years.

Ego Trippin’ Part 1