Ex•Haust•ion

Posted on by Why Yet

Exhaustion. We hear about celebrities checking into hospitals because of it but do we really understand what it means? What is it to be exhausted? How do you recognize exhaustion? How do you recover from exhaustion?

I can only discuss my perspective on exhaustion, as we have had a love-hate relationship over the last two decades. Exhaustion loves to hate me with her antics. Popping in when I have a Wal-Mart sized receipt of things to do. Or calling long distance while I’m in a work meeting. Or the ever-loving hitchhike while driving home from work. Those unsolicited visits are the worst.

For me it starts with muscle aches, progresses to head-aches and morphs into extreme crankiness. Similar to being hangry, you know, hungry + angry at the same time but can’t decide which to focus on first. My mind gets fuzzy making concentrating on anything difficult. What I really want in these moments is to sleep uninterrupted for a couple of days.

This has been the summation of the last part of 2021 and all of 2022. Pure, unadulterated exhaustion. Part of it stems from me digging into my own life experiences and identifying my emotional triggers that contributed to my failed friendships and relationships. I didn’t go down that rabbit hole alone – oh no! I enlisted the help of a trusted therapist who was recommended to me. She has been amazing.

While unpacking myself and discovering parts of my personality I had locked away, I returned to crafting everyday. Before, I would only think about knitting or crocheting during the holiday season and chuck my tools once the new year rolled in. Not only have I begun knitting everyday, I am challenging myself to learn new techniques. It is helping but exhaustion is stubborn like a toddler with their favorite toy.

Finding an unbiased, non-judgmental individual to listen to you and pose questions to gently force you to see yourself in totality is priceless. The work is hard, the tears will come, the exhaustion is waiting to visit with an overnight bag already packed… but you are worth it. The journey is continuous, and sometimes arduous but keep going. And when I figure out the cure for exhaustion, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, what do you do to heal from exhaustion?

Parental Reflections

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How often, as parents, do we really sit back and marvel at our children? We birth, nurture, protect, provide, and guide them into adulthood, but do we really just look at them? As the people they are?

Today I am doing just that. As much as possible anyway. As I type this, it is exactly 9:10 am EST in the United States. 20 years ago today I was pregnant with my twin sons and sitting in Thomas Jefferson University hospital being prepped for induction. You see, I had fed my twins so well during my pregnancy that they didn’t want to come out, lol. Yet, they were too big to stay in and I made the mistake of watching a cesarean section video on YouTube. Nope. I told my doctor she would not be slicing open my innards. I already had insecurity issues with my body so a C-section was a hard no for me.

I had gone into false labor twice (at work) over the last few weeks but at 3 cm dilated, the hospital kept sending me back home. My preschool students were fascinated at watching my body change over the months and had adopted my babies as theirs, especially since two of my parents were also pregnant. My co-workers were concerned about me working, the deacons in the church had been trying to convince me I needed to be on bed rest for months (because of how huge my stomach grew early on) but my doctor said I was perfectly healthy to work up until I deliver. In hindsight, I think my doctor was excited to see how far I could carry as all of her previous twin deliveries never exceeded 26 weeks. I was induced at 35 weeks.

My pregnancy was normal for me. No morning sickness but constant hunger, and constant cravings. I did experience nausea when I tried to eat some of my favorite foods like shrimp fried rice and any kind of chicken. My boys said those were hard nos for them, lol. Their personalities were distinct even then. My eldest was pretty chill. Twisting and turning mostly to get comfortable. My youngest was energetic and constantly hungry. My stomach growled as I was eating most times.

Now, as young adults, I see them watching to see which direction they want to go in life. They are quiet and introspective, for now, until they discover what lights them aglow. I am excited for when that moment comes and they flourish in their passion. I knew this phase of life would arrive but it is as bittersweet as the day of their birth. I was excited for their new chapter yet sad that our chapter, in that capacity, had ended. Work and bills will always be there as a reminder of responsibilities but remember to take time to enjoy your children before they branch off into their own lives…

Another Solar Return

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Today, I am grateful. Blessed to see another solar return and on the heels of a powerful full moon no less. A celebration of my birth, thank you mom for delivering me into the world 💜. For many years my birthday was a time of excitement, anxiety and depression all mixed together because I yearned for acknowledgement from my father that I would never receive. Friends, family and loved ones wished me well, but my attention (even when I desperately tried not to) was focused on my father’s lack of attention.

Acknowledging that feeling I harbored used to encourage anger, sadness and shame. It took many years of deep reflection (meaning I was still running from myself, lol) to recognize why I still held onto the pain. As much as I hated to admit it, it was easier to hold onto the hurt, anger and pain than it was to let it go.

That thought was my *aha!* moment. It was easier to hold on and stay stuck, than to let go and be free. I still love my father, and always will. But my father has chosen not to get to know me as a person. Not like I’d hoped. It is an opportunity lost to him – not me. I do not say this out of malice. I have finally moved beyond that. I no longer hold onto the entrapment of my perception that without his acknowledgement I cannot grow or be loved or be deemed valuable. I have already proven myself wrong on that – and gladly so!

My solar return is a celebration of my growth and my acceptance of me – as I am as well as a challenge for me to achieve who I strive to become. I am ready to conquer my next round of growth. Happy birthday to me! 👑💖

♒Aquarian♒

Life is Important

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As I celebrate my new year, a return to my sun rising, many are mourning loss. And as I empathize with the pain, I already understand the importance of showing love to those you love everyday because you don’t know when the last time you see them is the last time you see them. So for those you love, make the time to see them. Make the time to call them. Make the time to tell them how you feel or clear up any misunderstandings. Time is precious and stops for no one.

That is why for my birthday this year I chose to do something just for me. My birthday has been like a rose bush for me, pretty but painful, for too long. The short version – my father never bothered to remember my birthday, ever. He remembered my brother’s birthday which is 2 days after mine. From 1987 on I do not recall one birthday call. So my birthdays have always been bittersweet…

Fast forward to 2020. My birthday has returned, the bitter has lessened and the sweet is increasing and for those who choose not to see – well, it’s their loss not mine. Our time in these bodies are not infinite. So I choose to walk into my new decade, into my new season, leaving any and every thing behind who does not honor or cherish me as the divine being that I am. I am here on purpose and for a purpose.

Happy Birthday Why Yet 💜

*photos courtesy of Sean Lassiter Photography*

Dear Why Yet…

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First, I have to apologize to you. I have exposed us to years of unnecessary heartache and pain through allowing your innocent vulnerabilities to be taken advantage of. You are a loving and powerful woman. I did not trust you enough to allow you to spread your wings and grow. My fears kept you bound to those who could not give you what you needed and deserved to fly.

My fears kept me from believing there was anything better for you out in the world. You deserve the world. Your smile cheers up those you share it with and you share freely even when you are crumbling inside and I appreciate that. I love you for that.

You put others before yourself when they are in need. You give even when you are in need. You are fiercely loyal to those you love, even when they hurt you deeply. And when you want to retreat and heal I have interfered, and for that I am sorry. When you needed to sever ties and heal your heart I interfered and for that I am sorry.

Even in pain you still emit a celestial beauty through your writings. Everytime I read your poetry I feel your memories and cry your tears. Thank you for sharing your words, not only with me but with the rest of the world.

Continue to shine your brightest light because I need it. I thank you for being the woman you are.

Love,

Why Yet

The End of A Season

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Hello. I have been quiet for quite sometime, and for good reason. I am approaching my 40th year and I promised myself that I would shed toxic people from my life before I reached that milestone. I finally left a toxic relationship I had been in for more than 10 years. Tomorrow will be 1 year since I left to make a new and peaceful life for my children and I. It hasn’t been easy because there is always the obstacle of standing firm in my belief when the other party tries to re-assert control over me. I am more acutely aware of the behavior patterns during this month because I left during this month and because it is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

I have to fight for my safety and that of my children because I don’t know who may be watching that need encouragement. Many people unfamiliar with the terror of being in an abusive relationship believe that you can just walk away – it’s not that simple. Especially when children are involved. The officers of the family court system are not trained properly to effectively handle domestic violence situations leaving many victims (men are abused also – but because of social stigmas they are less likely to report being abused) and children in serious danger. This has been my season and it is coming to an end.

I have a long healing road to travel but I am grateful that I am alive to travel that road as so many women did not have the fortune to. I have reconnected with friends and interest in activities I had stopped doing. I have begun writing, knitting and crocheting again. I have even knit a pencil skirt free hand! Although that last season was painful, it was necessary for me to grow and re-connect with myself. I accomplished several of my long-term goals I didn’t think were possible for me and that felt amazing!

This is the first time I have been single in 13 years and it feels good. When I go to sleep at night it is peaceful. I laugh more. I smile more. I hug my children more. I am slowly learning about who I am at this point in my life. The old me is introducing me to the new me that is emerging from these challenges and I love her. She is spunky and funny (I don’t tell jokes I just state the reality of some stuff) and excited to experience the goodness that life has to offer.

 

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The Countdown Has Begun…

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I have set a release date for my new collection of poetry, Reflections: Past, Present, Future. This collection is scheduled for June, 2018 and I am nervous and excited.

In this new collection I explore the underlying influences that led to my relationship experiences that I wrote about in my first collection, Entangled Hearts.

Many women are tired of falling for the wrong guy time and again. Falling in love with the potential of who he can become instead of looking at who he is. Ignoring our instincts when they warn us that something is wrong. What we don’t do, many times, is stop and reflect on WHY we ignore those warnings. WHY do we fall in love with potential rather than investigate the facts?

In Reflections I stop and do just that. Reflect. What is the underlying reason why I allowed sub-par love into my life? Why was I willing to give 1000% in exchange for a luke-warm 25% at best? One day I woke up and stopped trying to adjust the math.

As women, we are the cornerstone of civilization. Fellas you’re not being discounted – keep reading. Ladies, we have the biggest influence over life, it grows within us. Life flows out of us. We are designed for it. It is time we sat down in a quiet place, grabbed our tea or coffee and reflect on why we allow the negative relationships in our lives. Once we understand the WHY we can create a correction plan.

The countdown to Reflections has begun. Are you ready?

Just Finished My Advanced Reader Copy of Girl’s Night In

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Girl’s Night In is a short story collection from CeeCee and friends of the Cougarette series by Eliza David.

Grateful for any opportunity to read a good book, I leapt on the chance to be a reviewer before the book’s release date of August 28th. All I can say is make sure the kids are asleep, your glass (or bottle) of preferred beverage is chilled to your liking and you have a relief plan on standby. You’ll know what I mean when you read the book.

You can pre-order Girl’s Night In on amazon.com. I can’t wait to get my hands on the rest of the series!

Ego Trippin’ Part 3

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Thunder rumbled, rattling the kitchen windows as Lydia sat on her knees frantically scrubbing blood off of the vinyl flooring. With each crack of thunder Lydia’s hand gripped the sponge tighter until her knuckles began to turn white. The rhythmic tink, tink of the raindrops hitting the awning over top of the kitchen window was comforting. Lydia began thinking about what the nurses said to her when Nathan went to the cafeteria for a sandwich.

“Mrs. Williams, do you remember what happened to you?”
“Not really. I came into the kitchen and a strange man was there. Before I could call out for help I was knocked to the floor. I hit something on the way down and blacked out.”
Scribbling on a clip board the nurse looked Lydia in the eye. “You’re lucky to be alive. The trauma to your head could have been more severe. There was a 4 inch gash on the side of your head. We stitched you up but a vessel in your right eye ruptured and the force of the blow to your stomach ruptured your uterus which is why you miscarried. I am sorry to tell you this Mrs. Williams but we were unable to repair the damage. You will not be able to have any more children…”

“Wait… my uterus… no more children?” Lydia’s vision blurred as the tears absorbed into the patch on her eye. Instinctively her right hand went to her belly to massage her baby and she flinched in pain.

“We had to perform an emergency hysterectomy. You have 13 staples in your abdomen. In about two weeks you can come back in and have them removed. In the meantime you rest. No lifting more than 5 pounds. No standing for long periods of time. No strenuous activities. No sexual intercourse for eight weeks because of the trauma to your abdomen. You may…” Lydia zoned out as the nurse rattled off her discharge instructions. A soft knock, knock at the kitchen door jolted Lydia out of her thoughts. It was Nathan’s friend Mark. Favoring her right side, Lydia grabbed the handle on the cabinet door and pulled herself up onto her feet and opened the door.

“Damn. Nathan told me what happened. I’m sorry about the baby.” Mark said as he inched into the kitchen. He handed Lydia a bouquet of daisies to cheer her up. “If you recall anything about the cat who did this to you let Nathan know and we’ll go handle that right now.” Lydia averted her eyes as she felt her cheeks flush. Mark had always been nice to her. He didn’t know how Nathan treated her. Nobody did.
“Thank you Mark. The flowers are lovely. Let me put them in water and tell Nathan you’re here.” Walking gingerly to avoid the poking of the staples in her stomach, Lydia half-slid, half-tiptoed to the kitchen sink to grab a vase for the flowers. That’s when she saw the blood on the edge of the counter.

Nathan walked into the kitchen just then and stopped in his tracks when he saw Mark standing in his house. He looked from Lydia to Mark, sizing up the situation. He noticed the flowers Lydia had placed in the vase. Um, hm. Looking at Mark, he smiled but the smile didn’t touch the rest of his face.

Ego Trippin’ Part 1

Ego Trippin’ Part 2